A couple of weeks ago, I was in the car with my cousin’s wife T, on our way to visit the Qutb Minar (the world’s tallest brick minaret, whose original purpose – aside from calling Muslims to prayer – is still a subject of debate). While driving, she asked me the inevitable question (I say inevitable because whenever I come to India, everyone, at one point or another, asks) of whether I planned to marry again. As though, if I said yes, I could just snap my fingers and the groom to be would appear. (Ha!) This of course led to a conversation about arranged marriages (apparently, I could snap my fingers and a groom could appear). I explained to her that I have always (and still do) recoil at the idea of arranged marriages, but have always been curious about how they work.
T married my cousin in an arranged marriage about ten years ago and after the wedding moved into my cousin’s apartment with his parents. So, not only did she hardly know her groom, she had to get to know him amidst living with my aunt and uncle. Apparently, this is not an unusual situation. She explained to me that at times it could be difficult, since she not only had to learn how to navigate marriage, but also to figure out the expectations of her in-laws. And I thought the first year of a marriage where you are “in love” is hard!
When we talked more about arranged marriages, I explained to her that I just could not understand how anyone could commit to spending their life (in India the divorce rate is about 1 in 100 marriages up from about 8 in 1000) with someone they barely know. What if they have a personality trait that you hate, they treat their parents’ badly, they have a nasty temper, you don’t agree about how to spend money etc. - all the things that you might consider a deal breaker while dating – what do you do?
T explained to me that in many marriages she has seen the two people are together because of a commitment and by the time you know anything that might be a dealbreaker, you probably have children together. It is not unusual, in marriages she has seen, for the husband and wife to have nothing else in common and to not really speak to each other.
I asked her whether when she met my cousin they talked about each other’s expectations of a marriage. For example, do you ask them what they expect out of marriage, out of a partnership. She said no. Our concept of marriage, as a partnership with someone you share common interests is “foreign” here. The idea of marriage is simply one of commitment and culture. If you are fortunate, then you like the person you are married to (or you may like them over time, or you put up with them and vice versa) and you create a partnership, maybe. But that isn’t the end goal. The end goal is to get married and have children, so that when you get older you have someone to care for and care for you. To not be married by 30 is still odd (although not so odd in larger cities) and to be unmarried at my age is unheard of.
I had always thought that arranged marriages worked because both people hadn’t dated so you had no one to compare your spouse to and your expectations of a person were not marred by comparing them to someone else you had dated (he’s nice, but not as funny as the last guy I dated). Instead, it seems that it isn’t just that your expectations of what your spouse should be like but also what a marriage is for are quite different.
What do you think?
Let me start by saying we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on 6th January 2011
ReplyDeleteAfter all these years he still surprises me, at first I thought it was very unlike him to have a limo take all four of us out to dinner:) but after hearing his thoughts…… it was very romantic. On my side of the family, ours is the only marriage which was arranged. Everyone else has married their High School sweetheart and they are all still happily married. I am a believer that marriage is made in heaven.
Just like T, I got married and moved in with my in-laws, he had to leave to get back to work in US. Yes, for the most part I lived with my in-laws even though he was not in the same country. It was little difficult to feel at home without that one person you knew for those few days. The first year or two are always learning years for any married couple, but if you really think about it those first few years when you are “in love” is probably easier. Anything you have to do or are expected to do is done with “in love” thought in mind. At the same time the expectations are somewhat low from both partners when it comes to living with the family. Since you as a wife are still getting use to this routine of your new family life. In my mind something that would break a marriage is Expectations- it may be from your partner, your in-laws or even yourself.
I completely agree with T on the concept of marriage in Indian families, it is one of commitment and culture, and you are right as well about comparison, when I got married I did not have that one person in my mind that I would compare my relationship against- in other words I got married without any expectations since I had met him for just one week. How much can you find out about a person in a week? Truly, you do not really come to know until you live with them for some time.
In an arranged marriage the middle party (who brings these two families together)plays a much bigger role than we think ,it also important that they know exactly what are the family values, economic status, intellect and culture of both the families as well as of bride and groom. And as you said if you are fortunate you like or learn to like the person you are married to. Arranged marriages work because of all the hard work that goes in before the two parties meet. But the rest is true for any successful marriage, the Understanding and tolerance of two individual, the values that one is raised with and last but not least the end goal should be develop the companionship of a lifetime, not because you have lived together for long time or have kids, but because at the end of the day you know that one person who would be there for you to hold you when you are at your weakest.